Doctor Assistant

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Ole, I am goin’ huntin’ tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Ole, how was your day?”
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”

“Bravo, Mate, and the second one?” asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,” says Ole.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses
herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, “HELP ME – I haven’t seen a man in over two years !! ”

“Ole, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes!!”

Book With No Story

A blond puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says,

“This book has no story and way too many characters.”

The librarian says, “So that’s where the phone book went.”

Something in Your Hand?

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

“What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.

“Jamie O Conner and me had a fight.” says Paddy.

“That little shit, O Conner ” says Sean “He couldn’t do that to you, he must of had something in his hand.”

“That he did. says Paddy ”a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it”

“Well” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

”That I did” said Paddy…”Mrs. O Conner’s Chest, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

Sports Commentator’s Quotes

“And here’s Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.” (David Coleman)

“Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs” (David Coleman)

“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: “We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.” (Bobby Robson)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country.” (Ian Rush)

Jimmy Hill: “Don’t sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?
Terry Venables: “I think it’s 50-50.”

“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad that I won rather than lost.” (Frank Bruno)

“There’s going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.” (David Coleman)

“There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people.” (David Coleman)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” (Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Greg Norman)

“There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious.” (Alan Minter)

“Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running.” (Ron Pickering)

“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.” (Murray Walker)

“A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin.” (Jo Sheldon)

“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.” (Ted Lowe)

“I’ll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.” (Marlon Starling)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” (Terry Venables)

“I can’t tell who’s leading. It’s either Oxford or Cambridge.” (John Snagge – Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge)

“The Queen’s Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round.”

Ten Years Ago

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part… you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Wasting Time

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

SOLUTIONS TO REDUCE THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF MEDIA

SOLUTIONS TO REDUCE THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF MEDIA

According to the esteem psychologist LISA DUNNING, “The increasingly competitive economy is creating an environment where parents are forced to spend longer hours at work and fewer hours with their children. As a result, outside influences have greater access and influence over our children then ever before. The internet and the media are bringing the outside world into your home; your child's peers; the influences on children from movies and the music they listen to are growing in importance and influence everyday, the negative effects of television violence to children, negative effects marijuana, cigarettes, alcohol and some of the heavier drugs are all having negative influences on child brain development. If you are like most parents, you cannot afford to decrease the amount of time at work to monitor their exposure. Therefore, the quality of time you spend with your child is critical to maximize your influence over the negative effects of the outside world.”

It's a fact that violence is everywhere these days. It's on the streets, in homes, in video games, and in the movies. It is up to adults to set an example for children and to protect them from any form of violence. When children are young, parents can take steps to reduce or minimize the amount of violence their children are exposed to. Parents can build a strong, loving, relationship with their child. Because of this type of relationship, children will feel safe and secure. It'll also help them develop a sense of trust. Children often learn by example. Adults can show children appropriate behaviors by the way they act. Be firm with children about using violent behavior. Praise children when they display good behavior. Children tend to repeat good behaviors when they are rewarded with attention and praise. According to an article on the Internet, you can teach your children no aggressive ways to solve problems by ("Raising Children to Resist Violence: What You Can Do"):

Discussing problems with them,

Asking them to consider what might happen if they use violence to solve problems, and
Talking about what might happen if they solve problems without violence.
There is a new technology that can help parents censor shows on television. "The v- chip, technology that allows parents to block objectionable programs, is now available in at least half of all new television sets. V-chip work with an electronically coded rating system that already is in place to identify programs that contain sex, violence or crude language.